{Repost} What Scares Me Most About Having a Second Child

Over a year ago when I was still pregnant with Anniston I wrote a post for the What to Expect website.

I wrote about my thoughts on becoming a mom of two and Eli becoming a big brother.

Recently I remembered that I wrote this post so I went to find it on my blog to read it and see if things were really like I thought they would be or if they were completely different. When doing this I realized that I never actually put the post on my blog but just linked to it on the WTE website. I like to use my blog to keep record of our lives, and my emotions leading up to giving birth to my baby girl needs to be recorded. So I am going to copy and paste that post below. Nothing new here.....basically this is for myself. 

However after reading it I decided that I most definitely need to respond to myself. So I will write a followup to this post tomorrow. I need to respond to Megan of the past for sure. 
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{Originally Posted November 26, 2013}

Right now I'm sitting on the couch catching up on some of my favorite things on the Internet. Sitting right next to me is my two-year-old son, Eli, who is drinking his favorite drink and watching one of his favorite TV shows.

Yes, we are one of those crazy TV-watching families. I recently had a friend tell me that her son's reward for good behavior is an hour of television a day. I think Eli and I would both go crazy if we only watched an hour of TV a day. I'm just being real. We like TV in this house. Yes and Amen.

Eli just woke up from his nap. He usually goes down around 2 p.m., wakes up around 4 p.m., and then we enjoy a bit of time together on the couch before our evening schedule begins and we get up and start dinner. Cooking with Eli at my side "helping" me is one of my favorite times of the day.

I've already been honest about our TV time so I'm going to be honest here — motherhood right now is easy. You read correctly, I actually said easy. Don't get me wrong, the house is a mess, I haven't showered yet today, and we have plenty of full-on, knock-down-drag-out two-year-old meltdowns that I'm sometimes sure our neighbors can hear happening. But despite the full meltdowns that happen more often than not, we've got a good thing going. We have a groove, and it's, dare I say it again... easy.

And sometimes, while we are enjoying our quiet moments or easy moments like a peaceful dinner time when Eli is feeding himself and actually eating food instead of throwing it, I let my mind drift into the scary area, the area that says "Everything is easy and you are about to THROW A NEWBORN IN THE MIX" and then I start to get scared.

Please hear my heart here: I am so excited about our baby girl that is on her way. I see newborn babies around me and I get teary-eyed thinking about holding our new baby, kissing her nose, and watching Eli fulfill his role as a big brother.

But then, because it's what my mind seems to do best, I let it drift into those "scary areas" and I remember the sleepless nights, the somewhat painful and sometimes inconvenient breastfeeding sessions, the mysterious crying that turns you into a baby detective trying to detect just what is causing the crying. Yes, those are the scary areas.

And then I start to ask myself questions that have no answers:

Will it ever be easy again?

Will Eli feel like I neglect him?

Will I be able to love this baby like I do my first baby, Eli?

AM I CRAZY?

While I can't predict the future, I am fairly certain I know the answers to these questions. I know I will love this baby like I do Eli. I know that there will be hard days but we will find a groove again. And, I know there will probably be a bit of adjustment time for Eli. I also know for certain that I am crazy, but that's what makes this whole thing called life fun. Despite the crazy moments, we keep marching forward.

So I remind myself of all those things, along with Eli's first days at home. It was hard when Eli first came home, and yes there were moments I wanted to stuff him back in my belly because things seemed more simple when he was just rolling around in there kicking my ribs. But at the same time I couldn't for a second imagine or remember what life was like without him.

Through sleepless nights, and long feedings, and moments of complete chaos, he became my magnificent obsession. And now, I get the privilege to experience that type of love again. Motherhood won't always be easy, but it will be one of the most rewarding and joyous things I will do. With my husband by my side as my cheerleader, I get to experience motherhood, the ups and downs, easy and chaotic moments and everything in between. And that is worth all the "scary areas" in my mind.

So for now I will enjoy the easy moments we have, with excited anticipation of baby sister who is coming soon. Knowing that even though our easy days might be put on hold for a little bit, just like we did with Eli, we will find a groove and before you know it our regularly scheduled TV watching time will resume. Yes and Amen.