This Time Around

I thought I had prepared myself for the reality of postpartum pregnancy this second time around.

You see the first time around I thought I would lose all my weight by the time I left the hospital. That's just what happens right? You gain 40+ pounds, pop out a 6 pound baby and then in the span of a couple of days you are back to your normal weight.

Skin all tight, body all shapely, everything back to normal.

You can only imagine how much of a startling revelation it was when I walked out of the hospital room looking all the nine months pregnant I had walked in there.

Eventually the weight did come off and I found myself back in regular clothes again. I quit nursing and was able to wear regular undergarments and clothes without needing to accommodate feeding my child. It was nice to get back to normal and I almost forgot just how out-of-sorts I felt after giving birth.

Almost.

Then I got pregnant again, and I vowed to not feel the same way after pregnancy again. So everyday, whether I felt like it or not I would do some sort of physical activity. Jogging outside while pushing Eli in the stroller or doing some sort of workout DVD. And then I found out I had placenta previa and couldn't do strenuous physical labor anymore. So then I had to walk. I tried to walk two miles everyday but towards the end it was more around three times a week. And then I quit completely at 34 weeks.

I also tried to eat better, not snacking as much, not drinking a soda every single day and just sticking to overall healthy eating.

And what do you know? I gained the same weight I did with Eli. I started both pregnancies at the same exact weight and ended both at the same weight. It's a little weird.

So here we are again....in that awkward after stage where my body doesn't really feel like my own. And getting dressed is a chore due to trying to find something that fits and also easily lends itself towards feeding my child.

But something is different this time around, and I'm not just talking about my mid-section that seems much flabbier than the first go-round.

The thing that is different is my attitude. First I'll admit that I still have "bad" days. Days where I wish I had my old body, or days where I wish I could go in my closet and easily get dressed without feeling like I'm trying to shove a square peg in a round hole, but those days are much less than they were in my postpartum days after Eli.

My attitude is different because I know that I am in this position because my body carried my child. And that makes it ok. I managed to lose all the weight with Eli and although my doctor drilled it into my head that "weight is much harder to lose the second time around" (I can hear her voice in my head saying that) I plan to lose the weight again, but all in due time.

Now that I've had two kids I'm more than certain that my body holds on to weight while I nurse. If you are one of those lucky girls that loses all the weight while nursing I am probably jealous of you, because my body tends to hold onto extra weight Which is frustrating but I'm trying to remind myself that it's temporary.

I was talking to my cousin about it yesterday and she reminded me that I have the rest of my life to lose the weight, right now is my time to feed my baby and just focus on her,  and it's so true. If I've learned anything it's that these baby days fly by in the blink of an eye.

My body may not look like it once did. And I may have an insane amount of pants in my closet that don't fit, and I may feel like the button of my jeans is going to pop right off when I button them over my new wider hips, but I have my baby. My healthy, breathing, laughing, growing baby.

And that's enough.

That's not to say that I won't have days where I'm frustrated with my body or play the awful comparison game and compare my body to other new moms (I'm bad about that) but this time around I'm learning to quickly adjust my attitude. I'm not letting it consume me like it did after my pregnancy with Eli.

After giving birth to Eli I wore very loose clothing and spent a lot of time trying to hide the fact that I had extra weight. This time I wear normal fitting clothes and don't obsess about what my midsection looks like. I'm giving myself some grace this time. Maybe even a little more grace since I didn't give myself any the first time. 
This time around I don't beat myself up if I don't workout in a couple of days (or a week). I don't even try and stuff myself into my old jeans only to feel frustrated that they don't fit and I'm trying not to obsess over when {if} the extra weight will come off.

Right now I'm just enjoying my time as a mom with young kids. Yes I do want to be healthy for them, and a mom that is obsessed with her self-image and losing a few extra pounds is not healthy.

Becoming a parent has taught me so much, I grow in this job a little more everyday and it's not always growth in how I parent but sometimes, like this, it's growth in personal issues. So this time around I'm learning daily to not obsess over my looks or the way I feel, and instead focus on this fleeting time with my babies.