Grace for Myself

Last night was a rough night in our house. Well I mean cabin.

Our cabin is one room and Eli sleeps in the same room as us in a pack and play. This has worked fine for the two weeks that we've been here now, but for some reason last night Eli reverted back to his newborn ways.

And Luke revereted back to his I-wake-up-when-you-sneeze-but-I-can't-hear-the-screaming-child ways.

 Eli woke up around 2:00 crying and just very unsettled.  I tried all the tactics of leaving him crying, covering him up, PRAYING IT AWAY, but nothing worked.

I've always been careful not to bring Eli to our bed when he cries because I don't want him to think he can just wake up and cry and then get into the habit of sleeping in our bed. I've heard a kid in your bed is a hard habit to break so I've tried to not cross those boundaries as much as possible.

Plus, the few times that he has slept with us I've woke up as I'm falling off the bed to find Eli's teeny tiny bed taking up the whole bed. 

The whole "no kid in the bed" thing is hard to mantain when your child is in the same room as you and is standing up in his pack and play looking directly at you with his arms out crying "MAMAMAMAMA"

Well just STICK A KNIFE IN MY MAMA HEART. There is no way I could leave that crying baby boy in there like that. I did try the tactic of fake sleeping like the man next to me was doing but apparently mama's heart is a bit softer than dad's.

I got Eli and put him in our bed. It was dark but I'm about 99% sure that he smirked with satisfaction that he had just gotten his way. 

In full disclosure Eli and I had a bit of a rough day that day. I lost my patience a few times and asked a few people if they wanted to buy a toddler as I questioned my parenting skills. Or lack thereof skills.

I've realized as Eli gets older we have more of these off days. Actually I don't want to write off a whole day, so I will say we have more off moments.

More moments where I have outer body experiences where I float above my body and see myself chasing a toddler through Barnes and Noble and wonder how I became "that" woman. Not only am I the woman who now chases her toddler but I wish ill upon others.

I saw a girl watching me chase Eli around and suddenly before I knew it I was praying that her future child would run from her and she would understand this moment.

That is just terrible.

So anyways, back to Eli getting in bed with us. Luke was over on his side faking sleep or whatever and I was lying there with Eli thinking back through the day and getting upset with myself for losing my pactience with him.

I know it will happen again and I know it will be a continous thing for the rest of our lives, but still when that baby boy is next to me and I'm breathing in his sweet smell I feel awful that we had our "off" moments.

And I need to say that "breathing in his sweet smell" is one of those creepy things that moms say. I think about Eli's smell often and wonder if he will always smell that way. When he comes in from playing outside, or when he's a teenager and he is doing weird teenager things will I still smell that same smell?

When he comes home to visit and he brings his wife will she text her friends and tell them that Eli's crazy mom is doing that weird thing where she smells his hair again?

Again, I never thought I would be the mom chasing my kid in public OR talking about smelling him, but here I am showcasing it all.

 But as I was going through the day and mentally beating myself up (for losing my patience not for smelling my kid's hair) I remembered that HE does not judge me on one day so why am I judging myself? Why am I taking one day and deciding on what kind of mother I am based on ONE DAY. It makes no sense.

And it's simple....His mercies are new every morning. He doesn't judge me off of one day. He doesn't give up on me cause I made mistakes or because I lost my pactience. I have to be easier on myself. I have to give myself grace.

I've only been doing this mom thing for two years now, but I can already tell it is a learning experience every single day.  Not only am I learning how to handle a growing child and all the new demands that come from that, but I'm also learning what grace is. How to give it to others and how to give it to MYSELF.

I still have no idea why Eli was upset last night, but I'm glad I had that time to remind myself and to let HIM remind me that his grace is enough for me, even when I don't give it to myself.

And I promise not to talk too much more about Eli's baby smell. Considering the fact that he's now a toddler not really a baby it's getting a little weird.  I become that creepy mom a little more everyday. I sort of feel sorry Eli's future wife.