The other day I saw this on instagram and I instantly took a screen shot of this so I would have it in my phone to look at all the time, I really love it:
I love this so much and I kow it is so true. I've never for a second had a problem with cherishing every minute I have with Eli. But really it kinda of makes me sad.
I'm not sure if it's because I know how fast my own childhood went by or because I've watched and heard my mom speak of those years with your babies and how they go by in the blink of an eye, but for whatever reason I went into motherhood with a keen understanding to enjoy every single moment.
But lately I have found myself going overboard. Becoming obsessed with making sure that I cherish every single second with Eli. If he is awake I make myself feel guilty for one second spent looking elsewhere thinking "I only have this day, September 17th, 2012 with him, I don't want to waste it".
Typing that out makes me realize just how crazy those thoughts are, but I do have them and feel them. It's hard for me to go on a date night alone with Luke because I think "what would it hurt if Eli came along" Yes I know Luke and I need our time alone but I feel like we get plenty of it when Eli goes to bed.
And there are times when Eli is going C.R.A.Z.Y in front of me. I'm talking full blown toddler fit, hitting me and screaming and I think "I need to cherish this moment because he won't always throw fits"
I'm sure some of you are thinking, "whoa, now I know why she needs those little blue pills
, girlfriend has gone crazy'.
Yes, these are probably crazy thoughts, but admitting it is the first step.
So I'm currently trying to find a balance between wanting to be with my child every waking second and taking in every breathe he breaths (creepy) and just being a regular mom who enjoys every moment.
And honestly, maybe I'm like this because I do work 20 hours a week. So when I'm with Eli I want to enjoy every. single. solitary. moment with him. But I have never regretted working. I feel like it gives us both the time we need. I LOVE that he is at a safe, loving place where he has fun, does way more crafts than I ever would and is probably smarter because of his time there.
But maybe this is the trade-off? Because I work 20 hours a week I become oddly wrapped up in cherishing every moment, so much so that I become a little like that creepy mom in the book I'll Love you Forever.
I hearby commit on this day to not climb into my son's room once he is married with children and rock him while he sleeps.
But the book does make me cry like a teenager girl watching Titanic for the first time.
Basically I just need to find balance. I do not want to quit cherishing every moment with Eli, but I DO want to quit feeling guilty when I don't spend every minute with him.
But even typing that makes me feel guilty.
Can anybody relate to these feelings? Does this get easier with the second one? Do I need to up my meds?
I don't want to muddy my cherished memories with my son with feelings of guilt and worrying that I'm spending enough time with him. I just want to be in the present. Is it possible?