The Light

I really don't like driving at night.
In fact, I might just hate it.

Besides the whole fact of being in a dark car all alone with the idea of ghosts about to pop up in the back seat, there is the factor of driving at night not being able to see much in front of me.

It doesn't help that I got into a wreck a year and a half ago in the middle of the night thus feeding my fear of night time driving.
Not too long ago I was driving at night and I was looking way out ahead of me, I was getting so nervous because I couldn't see anything way out in front of me. It was pitch black and for a person who is scared of the dark, pitch black brings in all sorts of fears.

I was looking out in front of me and all I saw was darkness and I started to have an internal panic attack.

Internal panic attack = remaining cool, calm and collective on the outside while thoughts of doom, fear and panic flood your mind at an impressively fast rate

I have become a master at internal panic attacks.

Or it could be that I just have myself fooled and I think it's internal while everybody else is fully aware that I am on the brink of MELTING DOWN.

Anyways, (whew I get on tangents easily) I was looking at the darkness in front of me and started to worry about how I couldn't see a thing. Then my eyes moved from way in front of me to right in front of me where my bright headlights were shining, and I realized I could see everything right there.

Of course I couldn't see way ahead of me, it was dark and I didn't need to focus way out there, instead I needed to keep my eyes right on the light right in front of me. What a simple concept, yet I was so flustered because I wouldn't see WAY ahead of me.

And on that night, when I was filled with anxiety and internal panic attacks I felt God whisper "this is what a relationship with me is like".

And that was it.

Sometimes, ok all the time, I wish He would speak a little more clearly and a little more specific. Enough with the analogies God, just spit it out, tell me my future and whatever it is you are trying to teach me.

But that isn't how He works.

I pondered that quiet thought that I had and how this pertained to my spiritual life. Almost always I try and look out WAY ahead of myself. What is going to happen? When will it happen? How will it happen? JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Instead of focusing right in front of me, where the light is shining and where I can see in this moment I try and see out way ahead into the darkness, where I'm not supossed to see. Soon enough I will be there, and the light will be shining to where I can see, but for now I'm supossed to focus on this moment.

If I was driving and focused on the dark road ahead of me instead of where my headlights where shining I might miss something right in front of me, possibly hitting something because I had my eyes too far out instead of where they were supossed to be.

And life is just that way, I don't want to miss what is right here, right now because I was focused on what is way ahead of me. The moment is too important to shift my focus from, I want to focus on the present and not what lies ahead.

I think about this often. Especially when I'm panicked about the future and what is going to happen. And then I remember that it is darkness up there, I'm not supsosed to see it right now. I'm supossed to focus on what I can see. What is right in front of me.

I will get up to the road ahead soon enough, and I want to get there safely, with my eyes focused on where they should have been the whole time. The light right in front of me.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ~ Romans 8:38