Love.

Last Friday was Eil's first birthday. I wrote this post, and then in all the craziness of flu, birthday cancellation and birthday reinstating I forgot to post it.

I promise I'm not trying to drag Eil's birthday out forever.

So here is the post I wrote last week with intentions of posting it on Eli's birthday.

Longest intro into a post EVER:

How is it possible that it has already been a year?

But at the same time, how is it possible that Eli has only been in our lives for a year?

Hasn't my sweet Eli been a part of my life forever? When Luke and I decided to commit our lives together before God and our family wasn't Eli already there in some way?

It's hard to remember not knowing Eli. I have so many memories without him of course, but I feel like I always knew his face, his smile, his love.

But I didn't. In fact I had no idea what it felt like to love as a mother until he was born, and even then I didn't fully understand what it meant to love my own child. As I held him for the first time wondering what the heck happened to all that hair that I was sure was in there I began falling in love with him.

When that baby was placed in my arms a year ago I fell love, but I did not know how much that love would grow. Each day over these past 365 days that I have spent with Eli I have learned how my love grows. How it changes.

A love that grows when that first smile is witnessed.
A love that explodes when the first laugh is heard
A love that is unconditional when I'm so tired all I want to do was sleep but I now put someone else's needs before my own
A love that overflows when watching my child get so excited, squeling,when his father, my husband walks through the door
A love that rejoices when that dirty dipaer finally comes after days of no dirty diapers
A love that hurts when my baby is sick and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I loved him the day he was born but I still had so much to learn about love.

Sometimes I can't believe I've been given this opportunity. Did I feel prepared to be a mother? no. Do I feel prepared for the challenges that being a mother will bring in the future? Heck. No.

But its a learning expereince, learning about him, learning about me, learning how to do this marriage thing admist this parenting thing, and learning what love is all about. I'm beginning to think I had no idea.

I've learned a lot this past year, but most of all I've learned about love. Loving Eli, loving Luke as now not only my husband but as my son's foather, and even loving myself and not being so hard on myself while trying to figure out what it means to be a mother.

I can't believe its already been 365 days since I first "met" Eli. Oh how I can't even imagine my life without him now.