A Stage

I was afraid it would happen.

I was warned it would happen.

I thought we had avoided it. We got through month six - the month where is supossebly hits its peak.

And then during month nine it started. It was a normal Sunday and I dropped Eli off in the nursery like I always do.

But this Sunday was different, instead of a happy baby playing with his toys oblivious to the fact that I was leaving, I was met with a crying baby, crawling towards me like I was leaving him for all of eternity.

And my heart broke into a million pieces.

Are you ready for a little bit of authenticity? Before I had Eli I was slightly annoyed with the moms that would not "toughen up" their kids by leaving them crying in the room.

I would think "you ARE coming back" "they WILL survive" "just leave them".

This is not the first, nor will it be the last time I've eaten the words that pre-child Megan thought and said.

Oh how that girl kinda gets on my nerves now.

The AUDACITY she had thinking that she, for one second, knew what it was like to be in those shoes

So on that fateful Sunday I scooped up Eli and took him to service with me, vowing that it would be the only time this would happen. Next time I would be tougher. I would not make myself a hypocrite with my former words and I would stand true to them. This was my time!

I was also relieved that he contniued to go to his babysitter's home with ease. I would drop him off and he would smile at the sight of his babysitter, ready for a day of playing with the "big" kids and getting undivided attention.

And then it happened.

One fateful Monday morning as I dropped him off he cried tears that are forever etched on my heart?

Do I sound dramatic? I'M A MOTHER. I AM DRAMATIC.

I might have teared up in the car...but soon after arriving at work I received a text from the babysitter informing me that she had a happy baby on her hands. He was doing his usual bossing the older kids around.

It made me feel better but a piece of my heart still hurt thinking back on the morning tears.

And sadly, this week beginning with Sunday morning at church the tears came again. And I began to reap the consequences of the words I thought before. I did not "toughen up" that Sunday but instead took him into service with me.

What can I say? I'm a hypocrite.

It has been hard for me to leave Eli when he is crying. On Sundays I can scoop him up but Monday through Wednesday I have a timeline to stick to and there is no time to scoop him up and take him with me. It makes me so sad.

I know this is just a stage, and that two seconds after I leave he is just fine (I have proof, I went back once after 30 seconds and he was perfectly fine playing with his friends) but it is so, so hard.

This morning as I left him crying I let my mind wander during my ten minute drive to work, and by the time I arrived in the campus parking lot I pictured him in counseling one day explaining why he has insecurities because his mom would leave him crying.

Maybe I'm the one who needs counseling. Now.

I'm never one to wish away any stage of Eli's life. I even have some issues talking about him growing up, however this is one stage I'm ready to tell goodbye.

Until then I will probably continue to be a hypocrite in the area of pre-child Megan's thoughts and post Megan's thoughts.

I'm fine with it. She had NO idea what she was talking about.