Another One

You should be forewarned, this is another one of those "being a mom is the hardest job on the earth" kind of posts.

But for real, it is the hardest job.

I mean obviously people told me that before I was even pregnant, but I didn't believe them.

I thought they meant it was physically exhausting or something like that. But nothing could have prepared me for the mommy guilt or the constant lies that our feeble mommy brains are pelted with on a daily basis.

And on Monday night I faced a case of mommy guilt.

Last week I was invited to a bible study that occurs every Monday night and from the time that I was invited I planned to go.

And then Monday night came and I started to doubt everything.

All day Monday I had every intention of going to this bible study, I figured out how much time I had to leave work, get Eli, cook dinner, change clothes, and play with Eli before I headed out.

It was all perfected to a science and was ready to be put into action. That was until I picked up Eli and saw his sweet little love-bug face.

I was then thrown in a a fury of questions, doubts and guilt all swirling around in my little brain.

Side note, did you know your brain is the size of your two fists placed together? I have small hands therefore I have a small brain.

Anyways, leaving Eli for a couple of hours that night really wasn't that big of a deal, but in my mind it became The. Biggest. Deal. Ever.

This is where my mind went downhill and I began to question everything in my life. It all started with whether I should go to bible study or not and basically boiled down to what came first, the chicken or the egg?

My mind was clearly out of control.

I kept asking myself...what kind of mom would it make me to leave my child AGAIN after I was gone from him all day long??

But I wanted to go. And then that made me feel guilty that I was actually ok with leaving him.

But then I wasn't ok with leaving him and thought there was no way I could go.

But then I thought "well I do want to go" and so the viscous cycle continued.

Wait, I feel like I've blogged about something similar to this. Oh yeah I have. DE JA FLIPPING VU

My poor mind was spinning and went back and forth as to whether I should go about 2 million times in a 20 minute span.

Eventually I decided that it would be ok for me to go.

And then I got in the car and I had a meltdown.

I tried calling two friends. I wanted them to tell me that I wasn't a bad mom for leaving Eli. I needed affirmation.

But they didn't answer.

So then I called Luke because I wanted affirmation from him.

But he didn't answer.

At this point I was pretty positive the rapture had happened and I had been left behind.

But there weren't cars swerving off the road and planes weren't crashing around me so I thought maybe it was just a fluke thing that all three people I called didn't answer.

And instead of gaining affirmation from other people, I decided to spend that time with God and just release all the thoughts in my mind to him.

I really am trying to do the best mom and wife I can be, while still doing the things in life that I need and want to do.

And like I've said before (204920 times?) I'm trying to balance it all.

Correction: I'm learning to balance it all.

It's not easy and some times I feel like I have it figured out only to have a meltdown and take five steps backwards. But I'm learning.

I promise one day I will quit talking about balance, and guilt and being crazy.

But for now this is the season I'm in. I hope one day I look back and think "wow I was a complete SPAZZ" cause that will mean I came out on the other side of it and learned from it.

And until I figure it all out feel free to tune me out. Even I'm annoyed with myself! But at least I know there are other moms out there that can relate. And that is a good feeling.