Who I Am

Tonight I was looking back through un-posted posts on my blog. I wrote this particular last September and for some reason I never posted it. This was before I read So Long Insecurity but from this post I can see God was preparing me for that book. Becoming secure in who I am in Him is a journey in life but one that is attainable.

So many times I beat myself up for who I am.

There is a verse in Psalms about "turning off the flow" and sometimes I'm pretty sure that it has my name written in front of it

I am louder than most, and more times than I care to admit I will think before speaking.

Which most times cause the whole 'foot in the mouth' situation.

Tonight I was going through our guest room closet desperately searching for an old journal when I came across two photo albums full of pictures from my college years.

So of course, I had to stop what I was doing and open the album to view the contents inside.

I moved to my college town not knowing a single person or what I was getting myself into. I went to my university on a "whim" and I have been thankful that I went there every since.

I have mentioned this before, but I truly became who I am today through the experiences I had in college. I am me because of those four years.

I grew closer to God during that time.

I learned what it was like to be apart of a church community on my own.

I found my true love.

I lost my true love.

I got him back and kept him this time.

I made some amazing friends.

I lost some friends.

I found friendship in the most unexpected people. Friendships that are still alive today.

I learned how to work through emotions of bitterness and forgiveness, and in fact I am still working on learning that one.

I learned that people will fail you, even those that know your heart and soul, they will fail you.

I learned that you can't study for a test at 4:00am and expect to make a good grade.

I learned the same thing applies to writing a 10 page essay.

I found out community restrooms really gross me out.

I found out that I am me.

I found out that I don't like fake people.

I learned how to be the real me and to stick to it.

I learned to give people a second chance.

I realized that manual labor is not my friend.

I learned this while my church was renovating our new building and I still get made fun of for my lack of help and instead excessive amounts of whining.

I found that when I am away from my family my "first born characteristics" tend to come our very strongly.

I was called bossy for the first time during these years.

I learned that sometimes bossy is a negative word for leader.

So many times I beat myself up over things I say or things I do.

I am a little louder than most, and sometimes I say things that I don't think twice about saying.

But I am a work in progress. God is growing me and teaching me.

So I looked at the pictures and then closed the album and put it back in the closet, and realized something.

I realized it was ok to let the memories flood back. To let the emotions of joy, sadness, anger, happiness, and forgiveness enter my heart.

They made me who I am, and I am still learning, still learning that it is ok to be me.

It took four years and a whole lot of money to figure that out.

Money well spent in my opinion!