A Debriefing

This past weekend was the Beth Moore conference in Atlanta combined with an awesome bloggy get together.

And an awesome time it was, but a recap of the trip will have to wait, because my Sunday coming home was incredibly interesting and God was totally speaking to me in the middle of the airport.

So backup story.

I had a flight at 1:40, got to the airport a little early, changed my flight to a 10:40 flight, missed that flight, a not-so-friendly-Delta worker told me there were absolutely no seats left going to OK the rest of the day, INSERT PANIC ATTACK, I was put on "standby" all day and hung around the airport hoping to get on a plane.

So here we go with what God was teaching me today:

My own personality is one of my biggest insecurities, and after reading So Long Insecurity it has made this insecurity stick out like a sore thumb in my life. In fact there was a time while reading the book that I wanted to slam it shut, chunk it across the room and say I refuse to read this Godly/biblical truth. I am better off living in denial.

However, I do desire to grow in my walk with God so I trudged forward, reading and looking forward to the conference weekend.

Never in a million years could I have predicted that this weekend would bring out some of my biggest insecurities.

It is safe to say that satan knew why I was at this event and tried his darndest to get me down. And sad to say I caved at some points. Which I always do, but luckily I always recognize it and sometimes can correct it.

It is ironic that I was in ATL for an insecurity conference and there were moments when I questioned everything about myself. There were moments when I didn't think I could receive the work that Beth was delivering because I was so convinced that if she was to meet me, she would not like my personality, therefore I was not worthy of receiving a message she was delivering (even though I know the message is from God, through Beth).

Writing all of that out, I know it sounds ridiculous and I know it is a lie, but in the moment it is a battle that is hard to fight. And honestly, I can't believe I am sharing these thoughts, but thats another thing about my personality that I don't like. I am an over-sharer and I can't be fake.

Because of my own issues with my insecurity with my personality I left the weekend beat down, frustrated, and trying to process the message from Saturday. I couldn't wait to get home and had called Luke that morning in tears telling him that I was just so ready to be home and I was going to try and get an earlier flight so that I could get home ASAP (HA).

And then something funny happened. I got STRANDED at an airport in a strange land. The girl who was literally crying to get home and had never wanted to get home SO badly and attempted to get home earlier, ended up stranded there for hours indefinitely.

At one point I thought I would never go home again.

I sat down had a LONG HARD cry, communicated through text with some bloggy friends who were local and would come pick me up if I needed it, threw myself the biggest pity party known to man, had a talk with God and let him know I was frustrated with him, and then got up and proceeded forward.

I could sit there and cry, which is what I wanted to do, or move on with my life. Always two options.

As the day continued on I made some awesome friends. I ate lunch with an older couple who had an amazing story including 35 years as missionaries in Japan. They prayed with me that I would get on the next flight out to OKC (which I did!)

I made friends with a girl who is a student at the university I work at and lives on the same street as me!

I made many other friends and had some great conversations, and such a wonderful time.

It wasn't until the end of my time, when I was about to board my plane when I realized that I let my personality shine on this day.

I had left the weekend feeling down on myself and defeated. I had received an awesome message from God, pertaining exactly to how I was feeling but I had not yet processed it.

If I had ended up going home at the time I planned I would have emotionally "thrown up" on Luke and it wouldn't have been pretty, or fair to either of us.

God literally had to get me stop moving and be still and remind me that I am His child, He created me with this personality, and when I stop obsessing over it (like I did this weekend) and just let it shine (like I did at the airport) He will use it for His good. Not that He can't use it for His good when I am obsessing over it, but if I am so obsessed with myself it is harder to discern His voice wanting to use me.

So I began the day in tears, broken down, and ended the long (SIX HOURS) day at the airport full of his presence.

It was almost like he especially designed a debriefing for me. I had time to process the words from the conference and even put them into practice.

I could go on and on about how He used this crazy day, but I am rambling and not explaining very coherently so it's time for me to wrap it up.

It was a great weekend I left with some new in real life friends, that I CANNOT wait to see again.

And FYI: I made it home at 6 and kissed the roads of Oklahoma. I've never been so happy to see this state.